


but you like them better

by maxelau



Series: i can't hold this fluttering feeling [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Attempt at Humor, Jealousy, Kim Seungmin is a Panicked Gay, M/M, Mentioned Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Mentioned Lee Minho | Lee Know, Mentioned Yang Jeongin | I.N, Party, seungmin is clueless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:01:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27414664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maxelau/pseuds/maxelau
Summary: Seungmin wonders why he feels this incessant annoyance every time his roommate, Hyunjin, brings a stranger home. It gets worse when he catches them lip-locked on their sofa.orSeungmin is jealous of Hyunjin and his hook-ups but he isn't sure why.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Series: i can't hold this fluttering feeling [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2024509
Comments: 10
Kudos: 159





	but you like them better

**Author's Note:**

> i listened to conan gray's kid krow on loop while writing this, i dont know why.
> 
> the title is inspired by conan's heather lyrics
> 
> (this is a work of fiction!)  
> disclaimer: any work similar to this is purely coincidental. i wrote this with the intention of "your typical jealous roommate au"
> 
> UPDATE: 11/17/20 -- reread some parts and saw some sentence were incomplete and fixed them. i apologize!

He almost does it. There's this tingle in his fingers, this urge to grab the nearest object beside him and whack it at the wall adjacent to his bed. It’s intoxicating, filling his mind with this incredibly strong urge to simply cause a ruckus and ruin Hwang Hyunjin’s life.

Yet, here lies Seungmin, his bed underneath him, blanket on top, a single pillow, and a plethora of teddy bears all laid out for him. He simply curls his fists, slides underneath one of his pillows, suffocates his face with it, and screams. A good long one. The type that really pulls you back to your senses because you suddenly realize how stupid you sound. 

It works, it really works for a brief second. Seungmin feels this calm sensation, although a little embarrassed by his scream, at least something was lifted off of him. 

But that didn't last long, because he hears it again—a thud, it’s a long hard one; a creak, the bed is shaking, probably even moving an inch or two; and then the worse comes, an elongated sound of someone moaning. It stretches for seconds of pure ecstasy and bliss and god did Seungmin want to pull his ears off and scream, _again_.

He burrows further into his pillow, pulling his sheets over, completely drowning in the blue ocean of his bed. It’s hot and uncomfortable but bearable compared to the ongoing festivities next door.

Maybe he should call Jisung but then he remembers that he went back to Malaysia for the break and might already be asleep after his flight. Felix, on the other hand, is definitely with Changbin. They traveled yesterday and went to Changbin’s hometown. Probably going on multiple dates and taking their sweet time together as boyfriends. Then there’s Jeongin who probably has his phone in airplane mode. None of them have heard from him since he went back to Busan. 

It’s only for a week, he reminds himself, as something hard hits his bed and a low grunt echo followed by, once again a high-pitched whine.

Seungmin punches a fist in the air, releasing himself from the cover of his blanket. In an instant, his eyes immediately flash towards the white blank wall beside him. It’s also where the sounds are coming from. For the love of everything, just this once, he wanted a quiet evening to replenish the lack of sleep from last week’s midterm exams. That’s all he asks. 

If he could, he would have gotten a good fucking on the side but he’s too tired—lazy even to get up from his bed and wiggle himself back into the arms of society. Nope. He rather cocoons himself in his man cave, plays video games, and sleep in peace.

Except the last part is totally ruined by the tumbling next door. 

Seungmin stares at his ceiling and decided to not give a single fuck. If he is going to go through this, he is going to drag someone with him—

“Do you even know what time it is?” Jisung asks, miles away, in a distant country. His voice laced with annoyance the moment he picked up the call.

“It’s not like our countries are _that_ far from each other,” Seungmin mumbles, once again, hiding under his sheets, praying to god that the previous moaning earlier was their final release.

“That’s the point!” Jisung sighs, his voice cracking a little due to the static but nevertheless, Seungmin catches his distress. Now, he kind of feels bad, he winces. Although, it would be bad to suddenly drop the call after a few seconds of aimless conversations.

Seungmin hears a sigh before Jisung continues speaking, “let me guess. He’s at it again?”

“Yep, well this time they are actually doing it.”

“Holy shit?!”

“And I haven't slept a wink since midterms.” 

“I’ve been telling you for months to find a new roommate! If it's annoying you two could talk about it or since the lease is under your name, kick him out.”

“The thing is—”

“You’re jealous he's getting good fucks while you're out here with your dick shriveling into a piece of prune.”

“No!” Seungmin hisses. “What kind of analogy even is that?” 

“A good one,” Jisung declares and Seungmin simply rolls his eyes. He moves around his bed, rolling until he finds that sweet spot that can grant him the sleep he’s been finding for hours.

A moan breaks into the barrier of silence and Seungmin almost throws his phone on the ground.

“Oh my, they're still at it? Your roommate must have the stamina of a horse.”

Seungmin massages his temples while he gets up on the bed, his phone balanced between his ear and elbow as he sits down, all exhaustion gone from his system.

“Will you stop with the weird analogies?”

“Hey, this makes better sense than the other one. Besides, you're the one who called me in the middle of the night! It's not my fault I don't live up to your standards.”

“All right, I’m so sorry, your highness,” Seungmin apologizes. If Jisung was beside him right now, he’s sure he’d see him with a very stern glare on his little face. 

“I’m hanging up—”

“Hey! Wait, come on Jisung, at least help a guy go through one of the most challenging times of his life,” Seungmin whines, almost begs.

“You’ve done worse Seungmin, besides, it’s _just_ Hyunjin, _right_?”

And Seungmin agrees, it is _just_ Hyunjin. He’s a sophomore like Seungmin, an English major and member of the university’s dance team. Sunnyside up with tiny hotdogs are his favorite breakfast meal and he has a dog, back at his parents’ home, named Kkami. He’s an only child and makes Seungmin coffee in the morning even though he doesn't have to, or do the laundry when he knows Seungmin had an all-nighter again (because pre-law courses suck but Seungmin isn’t a quitter), or even bring him lunch during break even though Hyunjin’s building was on the other side of campus. Hyunjin is a great guy, perfect even, and don't even get Seungmin started with his looks because honestly, as an amateur photographer, Seungmin has taken more pictures of his roommate than anyone he has worked on in his entire life. 

Hyunjin is beautiful and handsome and just the epitome of what one would call ethereal. He has a perfectly proportioned body, like a model, not too lean and muscular, and not too skinny. His height is great too, although he doesn’t tower over Seungmin, he still looks long. And then there's his face. A literal gift from heaven’s above. Seungmin has worked with fairly a few models as an assistant photographer in his part-time job and he has to admit, no one came close to Hyunjin’s aesthetics. There are times when Seungmin would catch himself staring at Hyunjin when his roommate is practicing his English pronunciation by their small balcony. He’d watch the golden afternoon light cast a subtle glow on Hyunjin’s face, highlighting his best features and Seungmin wondered how can someone be single. 

“I don’t like your tone there. What are you implying?” Seungmin asks warily.

“I’m going to bed, man. It’s not that I don't want you to suffer alone, though the idea of it is appealing, it won't benefit me because I won't see it live.”

“Why are you my best friend again?” Seungmin asks, a strain in his voice.

“Wavelengths man, it's all about the wavelengths. You enjoy my suffering and I enjoy yours, we’re symbiotic. I also know why you’re acting like this,”

Seungmin groans and then slaps his forehead with his palm before replying, “Please don’t.”

“I’m not going to state the obvious,” Jisung says instead, barely crossing the line and Seungmin quietly sighs in relief. He hates this topic as much as he hates what is happening next door. Seungmin is not jealous, god no _never._ He’s simply distracted by the events that transpire almost every single weekend and it's hindering him from performing at full capacity. 

Seungmin knows he’s not homophobic and he never will be. He’s seen Felix play with both genders, kissing them at every possible secluded corner in a party, and somehow, it never did elicit some sort of deep pull in his stomach or an annoyed reaction on his part. In fact, he’s proud of his friend— _go get them, tiger!_ Or however, they say it. Felix is even dating Changbin for crying out loud and Seungmin, just the thought of his sweet best friend being showered with love by one of the best people, not men, on earth made his heart filled with warmth.

That is why he never understood this dark brewing feeling in his stomach that started to surface two months ago.

It was after a party and sure, it was typical of him to excuse himself and go home early (usually with excuses that have something to do with early classes or a test the next day) but this particular Friday night was much earlier compared to the others. Nevertheless, Jisung and Felix did not bat an eyelash and simply bid their goodbyes with three more shots of soju and a cup of beer.

Seungmin did regret that night. His stomach sloshing with alcoholic substances making his mind hazy and his walk home a bit of a struggle.

At exactly 11 PM, Seungmin tumbled back into their apartment to find Hyunjin making out with a dude Seungmin has never seen in his entire life.

The door loudly banged behind him and Seungmin stayed rooted on the floor, shoes still on and a nauseous feeling creeping into his stomach.

Surprised, the guy on Hyunjin’s lap dropped onto the sofa, his hair disheveled, and his pink lips slick with spit and Seungmin suddenly felt nauseous, mixed in with a sudden headache. 

“Seungmin are you alright?” Hyunjin asked, immediately walking to his side. Instinctively, Seungmin took a step back which caught Hyunjin by surprise. 

Maybe he should have declined Felix’s offer for more drinks before he left. 

He gulped and after inhaling shakily, he replied, “I’m fine. I just drank too much and now I’m a little tipsy. I apologize for the ruckus.”

Seungmin trudged through the hallway until he reached the bathroom and shut the door as gently as possible. He then made his way towards the sink and leaned over it, gripping the cold sides tightly. The image of Hyunjin kissing the guy has etched its way into his brain, the image burned in his mind that even when he closes his eyes, Seungmin could see it as clear as day. 

Why did it make him want to punch the wall and at the same time curl into a fetal position and never leave the boundaries of his room? 

A knock echoed in the bathroom walls.

“Seungmin, do you need any help?” Hyunjin’s voice followed a second later.

“No, I’m fine. Don’t let my drunk ass ruin your date.”

There was a beat of silence before Hyunjin managed to unlock the door. _Fuck—_ Seungmin cursed when he realized he forgot to lock the door. 

He looked straight at the mirror and saw Hyunjin’s concerned face peeking. 

“What are you doing here? You don’t want to keep your boyfriend waiting,” Seungmin said, opening the faucet, letting the cold rush of water wake him from his drunken stupor. 

“It wasn’t a date. I told him to go home,” Hyunjin murmured, his body slipping inside the bathroom, eyes still trained warily on Seungmin’s hunched figure. 

“Why?” Seungmin asked, his eyebrow lifting involuntarily. 

“You don’t look so good Seungmin, I was worried—”

“You don’t have to be,” Seungmin snapped, avoiding Hyunjin’s worried eyes through the mirror. Nevertheless, Seungmin doesn’t fail to catch the slight hurt in the way Hyunjin bows his head but he can’t stop his mouth from yapping. The moment Seungmin entered their living room and saw what was happening on their battered couch, something inside him just exploded. A hidden switch suddenly being turned on. 

“I’m just your roommate,” Seungmin continued, grabbing a paper towel and wiping his hands dry. “I shouldn’t be a hindrance to your potential love life or well, in this case, hook-up.” 

“Well—” 

“Hyunjin,” Seungmin whispered pointedly. “I’m going to bed, can you let me out?” 

Unable to reply, Hyunjin took a step back and let Seungmin walk past him. 

“He wasn’t a hook-up I swear,” Hyunjin said when Seungmin reached the end of their small hallway, hand on his bedroom’s doorknob. 

Seungmin doesn't dare to look up, instead, he let the first thing that popped into his head fly out of his mouth, “It’s fine that you’re worried about me. But I’m just your roommate and this place is much as yours as it is mine, so I’m pretty sure you can have sex. Just give me the heads up though.”

Before Hyunjin could say another word, Seungmin closed the door firmly before slowly trudging towards his bed. 

Seungmin plopped himself on his bed and let the weight of the night carry him into a restless slumber.

* * *

“Maybe you should go out and take a stroll. Forget about him,” Jisung suggests when Seungmin doesn’t reply. He simply takes a deep breath and looks out of the window. The moon’s soft glow poured into his room. It’s enough for him to spot the things around his room, although not clearly. 

It could be a good idea, take his mind off things and help him breathe. Maybe he would forget about Hyunjin and why him kissing someone else and doing _more_ bothered Seungmin. 

“You have a point,” he says. 

“Of course I do. I’m awesome,” Jisung boasts, his voice weaker as if sleep has finally greeted him. 

Seungmin simply chuckles. It’s ridiculous, really. It’s an insignificant little feeling, it really should not bother him at all. But here he is, in the middle of the night incredibly disturbed, not just because of the incessant banging and horrible moaning, but the idea that Hyunjin is in there with someone else. 

“Don’t stay out too long and keep warm,” Jisung mumbles. 

“I won’t,” Seungmin says in response. “You should sleep. I’ll be fine.”

“You sure?” And Seungmin is thankful, he really is, that Jisung is there for him. 

“It’s alright. I don’t want to bother you anymore.”

“If you say so. Text me when you come back.” 

“Of course.”

And the beeping of the phone echoes in Seungmin’s room. 

* * *

The thing is, after the bathroom incident, they never talked about it not even once. It’s almost like it never existed. As if it was a vivid dream Seungmin could recall perfectly but choose to ignore doing so because it felt more like a bad dream than a good one.

Even Hyunjin stirred away from it, to the point that the guy he brought home that very night never came back for seconds. Hyunjin didn't even invite him to be his date at one of the frat parties at university. That was only two weeks after the so-called bathroom incident.

In fact, Hyunjin went to the party alone, date-wise. But if one was going for specifics, he came with Seungmin, as friends or more like roommates. 

Frat parties were wild. Wilder than your typical rage party at some random university student’s cheap flat. This kind of party was the real deal. Frat boys had a whole house to themselves— scratch that, a freaking mansion. The pool outside could fit their whole apartment. The free booze probably costs more than his rent. The DJ probably works for some hot-shot idol from the industry. And the noise, Seungmin feels like he’d be hearing the bass tremble in his eardrums for the next few weeks.

The moment they stepped into the frat house-mini mansion, Seungmin was blasted with the heat of meshing bodies and the strong mixture of weed and smoke. The smell was enough to knock him out from his jitters. 

That particular night was a marvel of spilled crystal colors, shared sweat, incessant screaming when it comes to small talk, muffled cries of heartbreak in some corner, lovers hoarding the balcony, and when things get out of hand, Seungmin even accepts drinks from random strangers and dances still he can't feel the his feet touching the ground.

At one point, Seungmin kept tabs on Hyunjin’s location. He wasn't sure why, but no matter where his roommate goes, Seungmin’s eyes would follow. 

This time, his arm is wrapped around a girl. Seungmin could not help but raise an eyebrow. His glare zeroes in on her. Something felt off like the way that blue hoodie she’s drowning in should not be hers— he curses under his breath. 

“You have got to be kidding with me,” Seungmin said in utter disbelief.

Changbin, who was beside him, leaning on the same wall, in the same far corner of the room, nudges him gently by the side. 

“What is it?” he inquired, looking at Seungmin with concern. 

Unable to fathom what he was witnessing, Seungmin shook his head and cursed under his breath making Changbin frown. Seungmin rarely breaks out of his calm persona, a feat Changbin has only seen twice. 

“Seungmin.” 

“It’s my hoodie,” Seungmin sighed, facing Changbin with a frown. “It was my gift to him for his birthday. I— never mind.” It didn’t matter. It was a gift after all. The moment Seungmin wrapped it with a ribbon and gave it to Hyunjin, he knew he didn’t have any right of ownership. Hyunjin can do whatever the heck he wants to. Nevertheless, there’s a certain sting. A feeling Seungmin could not put into words. It doubles when he looks at _her_ happily jumping around, looking attractive wearing the hoodie. As if she was meant to be wearing it beside Hyunjin. 

Seungmin never understood why. All his life he knew he was never _that_ interested in people. Not in the same way Changbin and Felix were involved or how Hyunjin treated the guy from the other night or the girl who he had his arms around right now. He saw people as friends, prospects even. A companion that never elicited him the feeling of longing. Sure, he misses his high school friends, but not the same way as longing for someone’s touch, someone’s attention, someone’s lo—

A high-pitched scream pierced through the booming EDM music. Surprised, both Seungmin’s and Changbin’s heads followed the ruckus. To Seungmin’s dismay it was just the very girl being thrown over one of Hyunjin’s friends’ shoulders. They start chanting in muffled baritone— _chug! Chug! Chug!_

And chug she did. Spilling the alcohol into the perfectly clean hoodie. This very action pisses Seungmin off. Enough for him to storm away from the room, leaving Changbin speechless and confused. 

“Hey Seungmin!” Changbin exclaims as he tries to catch up with Seungmin’s fast strides. Sure, Changbin isn’t that short but Seungmin isn’t short either. In fact, he makes Changbin feel shorter with the way his legs extend across the floor, gaining distance every few seconds. 

They reached the outside. The cold harsh wind bites through the shirt Changbin was wearing, regardless, he follows Seungmin until he finally halts. It was a more secluded area near the pool where numerous people were playing and drinking but not as crowded as the living room and foyer inside. Seungmin leans on a tree, hands rubbing his arms. 

“What are you doing here?” Seungmin snaps, unable to control the unpleasant feeling in the pit of his stomach. Changbin could only look at him with worried eyes. 

“Did Felix ask you to watch over me, again?”

“No.”

“Then what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be with your frat buddies screaming— _chug! Chug! Chug_ and I don’t know what jocks do.”

“ _Seungmin,_ ” Changbin says once again. This time in a more calmer and reassuring way. 

“I—”

“It’s alright. I’m your friend too. I’m just worried. You’ve been drinking way more than usual and Jisung and Felix haven’t caught on to it yet.”

Seungmin gulps, feels the cold bottle in his hand, and then the contents. It was almost empty. 

“How many have I had?” he asks. Recalling how much he drank was going to be a challenge because he’s been accepting offers from left and right. Downing each drink like it was water instead of that burning sensation vodka leaves or that bubbly gas that sits in one’s stomach after a beer or two. Changbin shakes his head, “I don’t know. But you should stop.”

“I guess I should.” Seungmin crouches down and places the beer bottle at a safe corner before once again leaning on the tree trunk, feeling the cold air that wakes his senses up. 

“So, Hyunjin huh?” Changbin says after a few seconds of silence. Unsure of what to make of Changbin’s words, at first, Seungmin does not reply. But the look Changbin was giving him made Seungmin agitated like he had to deny something he wasn’t quite sure why.

“If he’s been pissing me off lately? Yeah. He brought someone home without prior notice.”

“But don’t you guys have this unspoken law that you can bring anyone home?”

“Shut up Chang—”

“Bin! Oi, Is that you?!” 

Seungmin huffs a sigh once again, interrupted by one of Changbin’s many friends. 

“Hey! Chan, how have you been?” 

_Chan!?_ As in _the_ Bang Chan? The very dude who runs Changbin’s fraternity? One of the many friends of Hyunjin? Seungmin raises his gaze and meets Chan’s curious glinting eyes. Caught off guard, Seungmin tries to hide the light blush in his cheeks.

“Great! Luckily made it in time for the party,” Chan replies, still fixated on Seungmin. 

Changbin might have noticed Chan’s interest in Seungmin and decided to introduce them. “Ah, Chan meet Seungmin, he’s one of my close friends; and Seungmin, meet—”

“Chan, nice to meet you,” Chan smiles and Seungmin catches his dimple showing. It highlights his features making him pleasant to the eyes or in other words attractive. Maybe, if Seungmin was being honest, almost as attractive as Hyunjin. 

Without any second thoughts, Seungmin grabs Chan’s hand. He feels a strong grip against his. It wasn’t painful nor was it intimidating, it was, well weirdly comfortable. Like a familiar old blanket during winter nights. 

“Woah, nice grip,” Seungmin could not help but matter. Chan chuckles, it’s short and cute. Even a little shy. 

“I try my best,” Chan winks and Seungmin is sure something flutters in him. Unlike the storm that Hyunjin causes, this was calm, serene, like ocean waves lapping gently by the shore. Yet, despite opposite forces, they both felt familiar— a warm bubbling feeling in his stomach that seems to reach his heart, and cloud his mind with uncertainty. 

Seungmin lets go first and he feels Chan’s lingering touch against his hand. Once again Chan smiles and Seungmin could not help but smile back. 

“Do you guys need any more drinks? I’ve noticed you seem to be empty-handed,” Chan offers, briefly looking at Changbin before eyeing Seungmin from head-to-toe, licking his lips in the process. Caught off guard by Chan’s brashness, Seungmin shakes his head and Changbin who is currently busy texting someone on his phone replies. 

“We’re good for the night. If Seungmin drinks another bottle we might have to call his roommate and drag him home.”

“Please don’t,” Seungmin murmurs. He does not want Hyunjin dragging his drunk ass home. He might say something stupid, worse, do something stupid. 

“Well, alright. How about water?” 

Changbin puts his phone aside and raises an eyebrow, “we’re cool here man. Why don’t you hang out with us for a moment, relax? I’m sure Seungmin doesn’t mind?”

In fact, it’s the opposite. Seungmin wants to say that he does mind because Chan’s very presence is enough to shake him senseless but leaving enough room for him to breathe. It felt different from Hyunjin where his very presence is enough to knock Seungmin breathless and turn him into either a mumbling mess or a grumpy ogre. 

“Uhm, sure?” 

Chan smiles, a big one, and Seungmin is mesmerized and the guy must have noticed him looking a little too longer because he winks, _again._ And Seungmin thinks, maybe this wasn’t a bad night at all.

A few moments later, Seungmin finds himself conversing with Chan. He isn’t even disappointed that Changbin left to attend to Felix’s needs— _boyfriend duties_ , Chan mutters, a little closer when Changbin was out of earshot. Seungmin could feel his body heat radiating but heeds it no mind. Instead, he lets Chan draw himself closer, until their arms are touching, their eyes focused on the other. It was almost electrifying, like a—

Pull. Someone pulls Seungmin away, this wakes him from his reverie. The crowd’s noise enters his ears, his eyes focuses on everything: the pool, two girls making out in one corner, a guy slipping and sliding before he drops into the pool, Chan’s surprised wide eyes and—

“ _Hyunjin?”_

He’s standing right there, glaring, not at Seungmin but at Chan. The moment Seungmin spoke, Hyunjin took his hand and intertwined it with his. Now, this is when it gets tricky because whenever Hyunjin does the inevitable, Seungmin just loses all semblance of reality. 

“Excuse me, Hyunjin?” Chan blinks, surprised by the sudden interruption. 

Hyunjin ignores him and faces Seungmin. “Let’s go.” 

“What? I thought you were going to go home with your friends tonight?” 

Hyunjin looks around as if avoiding someone. “Change of plans darling,” Hyunjin winks and Seungmin almost freezes in place. This was ten times worse than what he felt when Chan did it to him. This felt like a sudden outburst in his heart, enough to render him speechless, utterly speechless. 

And _darling,_ that stupid endearing nickname he uses on everyone. They’ve been rooming for months and he still isn’t used to it. 

Seungmin was not even given the chance to say goodbye. Chan could only watch him get swooped away by Hyunjin. 

“Hey! Text me when you’re free!” Chan shouts and Seungmin throws him a good-hearted thumbs up. 

“Nice meeting you!” 

“Likewise.”

The further they go away from Chan, the nearer they reach the exit. Seungmin tries to release Hyunjin’s iron grip but fails miserably, all he could do was follow Hyunjin who was walking ahead of him. His long blond hair spilling across his face and his voice, low and gruttal, cursing every single second. 

“You better not be texting that guy when we get back,” Hyunjin grumbles when they reach the front door. Luckily enough, no one was by the foyer. Everyone was still occupying the bigger parts of the house. 

“What gives you the right to tell me what not to do?” Seungmin finally pulls out his hand and stops. 

Hyunjin looks at him, like he really looks at him. The only thing Seungmin could do was marvel under his beauty. Hyunjin has always been ethereal. But it still hurts. 

It hurts because he wants something from Hyunjin, something he can’t understand. It’s an unfulfilled longing that his body immediately associates to unrequited. He knows it’s far deeper than jealousy. He’s not jealous of the way Hyunjin lives his life, jumping from one hookup to the other. No. The jealousy stems from an innate feeling Seungmin never acknowledges. A feeling he thought he never knew was in him.

“You’re not my boyfriend,” Seungmin drops before Hyunjin could even. He licks his lips and fights the sting in his eyes. He couldn’t help it. It’s heavy and it weighs him down. One moment he sees Hyunjin floundering about with a complete stranger, lends her a gift Seungmin holds dear and moments later, Hyunjin waltzes in and disturbs what little distraction he has left of his feelings. 

Seungmin doesn’t understand why he’s doing all this and for what?

“I—” Hyunjin’s voice breaks, like a dying crackle in a fire. He looks torn like he’s trying to protect something, worse hide. 

“Seungmin,” he adds, almost pleads. 

Seungmin could only sigh, “Forget about it. Let’s just go home, _darling._ ” 

* * *

Wearing his black parka, his old boots, and a pair of sweatpants and shirt, Seungmin shuffles outside in the apartment’s living space. To his surprise, it was fairly empty. Nothing has been touched since he came back from one of his friend’s apartment hours ago. It seems like Hyunjin went straight to business the moment he came home. 

_Good for him_. It’s what Seungmin wants to say, but his heart says otherwise and it's a hard pill to swallow. Maybe he likes Hyunjin or worse, he has _always_ liked Hyunjin and the fact that seeing him kissed another guy sparked something in him was telling enough. 

As Seungmin descends through multiple floors, (apparently the elevator maintenance will be late for another few days because of the holidays,) his fingers tingle, and inches for something— a drink, no, a smoke, maybe? He never liked smoking, never even tried it, but the influence of the people around him made him associate his agitation for the desire to puff. 

Drinking, on the other hand, is a feat he is quite familiar with. Sometimes, even too familiar. 

The convenience store a block away from the apartment building sells alcohol, however, it's not something that could easily ease the desire to pluck out the piercing annoyance etched in his heart.

Nevertheless, there’s no harm to buying a few drinks and chips. Maybe, he may find it in the good of his heart to share some with Hyunjin after his boyfriend—no girlfriend or fuck buddy—whatever, does it even matter, leave their apartment. 

He slowly walks through the empty street. The silence is comforting and at the same time creepy. Even though Seungmin could hear the crunching of his boots against the asphalt or the bats flying above him, he feels a thousand eyes watching him. Ghosts? Maybe. Making fun of his lackluster sex escapades while his roommate gets the boning of his life? Probably. Are they frustrated as he is? Confused by the dark feelings that swirl in him? Seungmin hopes not. It would be really weird.

He shakes the nerves out of his skin. Overthinking this may have given unwanted thoughts. 

A few minutes later Seungmin reaches the glaring bright lights and the blue tables scattered at the front. All of them are vacant, lucky for him. 

The glass door squeaks a little prompting the staff to lift his head and greet a somber good evening. Seungmin acknowledged it and made his way towards the wall fridge.

Seungmin never understood feelings. To him, it was always sadness, anger, and happiness. Love, jealousy, and alike were always not in the picture. He understood platonic love. He lives and breathes it, but romantic? Not so much. 

When puberty started hitting him and his friends, he never understood the need to appeal to someone or even date them. Sure, he found people cute or attractive but his interest in them never pushed him to pursue any relationship. Being friends was already fine, better even.

Yet, when Hyunjin came into his life. He brought a looming storm with him. He shook Seungmin to the core and broke and repaired him countless times. Hyunjin is gentle. He clicked with Seungmin the moment they met. They’ve talked about a lot of things, the deep things that they could never share with their own friends. Without any shame, they’ve both formed a link. A special one to boot. The kind that has gotten even Jisung, Seungmin’s best friend, jealous. 

But these days, Seungmin feels like that link has been severed. Ever since the bathroom incident and well Hyunjin’s little display at that frat party, they’ve been avoiding each other like the plague. It even came to the point where Hyunjin, who without a doubt would prepare coffee in the morning, stopped doing so. 

The jingle of the store’s door pulls Seungmin back to reality. He realizes he’s been staring at the same banana milk for the past few minutes. The manager probably already had his eyes on him. Seungmin takes a peek at the next fridge and sees the array of alcohol. Then, he thinks.

Drinking could be a bad idea, more so that he won’t be doing it inside their apartment. He wouldn’t want to catch Hyunjin emerging from his bedroom looking good and fucked while some stranger cheekily smiles at him. It would be a huge blow, not only to his ego but his sensitive heart. He could drink in his room but then he might just drown in his sorrows and loneliness and just spiral into some place he wouldn’t want to be.

Seungmin sighs, banana milk it is. He opens the fridge and grabs two boxes of banana milk. Unsatisfied with his current purchase, he decided to grab a few snacks to go along with it. 

While the employee managing the cashier punches in his items, Seungmin wonders if he ever had a chance with Hyunjin or if he really liked Hyunjin. Does he want to hold Hyunjin’s hand? Definitely. They feel soft and comfortable, even safe. Does he want to take Hyunjin out on little dates and see him smile over the most ridiculous things? Of course. Seungmin loved seeing Hyunjin giggle and smile. Does he want to kiss Hyunjin and do unspeakable things? The idea of it makes Seungmin blush. Without making eye contact he throws in a few bills, takes the change, and zooms towards the exit.

That’s when Seungmin’s head starts playing with him. As if an illusion that manifested in his peripheral vision, Seungmin catches sight of a familiar figure sitting on one of the available chairs outside. He shakes his head, _no._

But like a magnet, his feet softly pads against the cement, inching closer, warily at the stranger. No, Seungmin’s gut tells him this is no stranger. The guy is busy playing with his phone. His face obscured by his baseball cap and hood. 

“What are you doing here?” Seungmin asks, his voice shaking a little, his heart literally pounding against his ribs making him breathless. Instinctively, he feels hostile. He could be terrified of Hyunjin doing the bare minimum and simply causing him pain. 

Then again, he finds this comical because how the hell did Hyunjin go from one place to another without Seungmin noticing. Did he fucking teleport? Because Seungmin’s pretty sure he would’ve heard Hyunjin leave their apartment. Plus, when Seungmin left he could still hear a fair amount of ruckus in Hyunjin’s door.

So, what the hell is he doing here, looking cold and alone?

Hyunjin jumps up from his seat, his chocolate milk almost spilling, the open bag of chips scattering tiny pieces on the table. Then, he almost trips but manages to get a hold himself. 

“I– Seungmin? _What are you doing here?_ ” Hyunjin’s mouth opens wide, like a gaping fish. He pats his jacket clean of crumbs and tries to fix his hair until he realizes he has his cap and hood on. If it weren’t for the night, Seungmin was sure he caught a faint blush on Hyunjin’s cheeks.

“Me? Well, I—” Seungmin hesitates. He just can’t simply tell him that _I couldn’t sleep because you were being lovey-dovey with someone who wasn’t me and I let jealousy get into my head and decided to get a drink or two but decided not to and just bought a few snacks—_

“Don’t throw the same question. I asked you first. _What are you doing here_?” 

Hyunjin slumps back in the cheap plastic seat. He gestures for Seungmin to sit opposite of him, which Seungmin gladly accepts, before heaving the heaviest sigh Seungmin has heard.

“I couldn't fall asleep,” Hyunjin murmurs, before taking a sip from his drink.

“Excuse me, what?” Seungmin asks. Not believing what he was hearing right now. Is he hallucinating, is his feelings finally occupying what is left or his rationality because this Hyunjin in front of him is incredibly real but the stuff he’s spouting is quite unbelievable. What the heck is going on?

“Aren't you supposed to be in your bedroom with _someone_?” Seungmin inquires, punching a hole straight into his drink with too much force. It almost squirts into his face but he manages to keep himself clean.

Hyunjin stops sipping, his face morphs into a mixture of both confusion, and disbelief— his eyebrows furrow, his lips curves into a pout, and for a second Seungmin catches a light glint on his lips, highlighted by the subtle lights pouring from the window in the convenience store.

Unconsciously, Seungmin licks his own and moves his gaze back to Hyunjin’s eyes who, unfortunately, catches him in the act. 

“What do you mean?” Hyunjin raises and Seungmin could only gulp. 

He tries to speak, find the words that match Hyunjin’s queries but if Hyunjin is confused, imagine how lost Seungmin is right now. 

“Eh? Then who the hell is in your bedroom fucking the living daylights out of someone?” 

“What? Seungmin are you drunk again or worse high? Please don’t tell me Changbin dragged you into some weird frat party again.”

Seungmin glares. All right, he’s going this route: the clueless idiot one. God, as if that troupe would work on Seungmin. He’s known Hyunjin for _months._ They literally live together. So, whatever excuse he has in store won't work on Seungmin. “Okay, excuse me. First, I haven’t left our apartment since the holidays started. Second, you’re the one who went out tonight and brought someone else home. I haven’t slept a wink and it's 3 am Hyunjin. Now, the question is what the heck is going on?”

“Wait, did you mean the weird _sex_ noise is coming from my bedroom. Not next door?” Hyunjin asks in disbelief. He makes a face, the one that Seungmin finds adorable. Hyunjin’s nose is all scrunched up and his lips are pursed in disgust. Right now, it wasn’t the best time to swoon. 

“Yeah, genius,” Seungmin scoffs.

There it is again, Hyunjin’s gaping face. He’s pointing comically at Seungmin or even accusingly. At this point, Seungmin is just letting things unfold in front of him as the seconds go by. It’s almost morning and he swears this is just some weird vivid dream. He’ll probably just wake up in his bedroom, with the sunlight streaming down his face, then he’ll have to face Hyunjin and his hookup or future potential lover— it doesn’t matter. He’ll experience the same pain, the jealousy as he watches Hyunjin prepare breakfast and brew the coffee and Hyun will do it, not for him, but for the stranger sitting on his spot on their tiny dining table.

“What the hell are Chan and Minho doing?” Hyunjin mutters to himself, however, Seungmin catches wind of this and could not help but ask. 

“Bang Chan and Lee Minho, the same guys in Changbin’s frat squad? Hold on. _It wasn’t you?_ ”

Seungmin’s stomach flutters and he feels the relief wash over him. But as quickly as that feeling came, so did the embarrassment. All that moping and recalling their recent downfall, all this time Hyunjin was sitting, outside in the cold, sipping on chocolate milk like some five year old? Unbelievable.

“You thought I hooked up with someone? Wait, why do you sound relieved?” Hyunjin leans on the table, his chin on his hands, his eyes glinting mischievously. Seungmin avoids eye contact, he lifts the hood on his sweater over his head, hiding the very evident blush that’s on his face.

“You can’t blame me,” Seungmin replies softly. “You’re always kissing someone on our kitchen counter or on the couch and sooner or later you’d probably sleep with them too.”

There’s a brief silence that envelops them. Hyunjin doesn’t immediately reply, in fact, he scoots a little closer to Seungmin, the rustling of plastic scraping against the asphalt echoes in the empty streets. 

“Are you…” Hyunjin trails a little hesitantly. Out of curiosity, Seungmin lifts his head and steals a quick glance, only for it to linger. Hyunjin’s wide eyes are enough to captivate him. Seungmin could not stop looking. There’s a force, almost like gravity, pulling him towards Hyunjin. Sooner or later, he might just end up orbiting him as if Hyunjin was his entire world.

“Jealous?”

Seungmin pulls back a few inches, it creates a ripple between them. Hyunjin is surprised by the action that he frowns. 

“I— I,” Seungmin stutters and then gulps. His heart is banging like crazy, his mind heady with fear. He was scared of one reason only and that is Hyunjin finding out that Seungmin likes him and that he might distance himself. Worse, move out. 

But then again, Hyunjin is miraculously in front of him, single, snug up in a black worn-out woodie, bags under his eyes, and he looks at Seungmin the way he would when it’s 7 am in the morning and Seungmin just woke up and Hyunjin seems contented with life. 

Maybe the risk is worth it? Jumping straight into the abyss of his feelings and simply offering his heart on a silver platter. The question lies on whether Hyunjin would accept him with open arms or openly stab his heart, right here and there without any hesitation. 

Once again, Seungmin looks at Hyunjin, really looks at him and something inside of Seungmin swells. It’s warm and fuzzy, even comfortable. It’s enough to make him believe that everything will be alright. That even if he gets rejected, it wouldn’t be that worse.

“Actually I—” Seungmin says but stops himself. 

“It’s alright if you're jealous. I mean, I— Jisung told me, you weren’t _interested._ ” 

Hearing his best friend’s name, Seungmin is taken aback. “He told you _what?_ ”

Hyunjin scratches the back of his head, “That you don’t like me or well, you don’t easily like anyone.”

Seungmin bites his lips, he looks away and takes a sip from his banana milk. It’s not that he doesn't like people, he just finds it _hard._ Love is something he adores but he can’t seem to give it back, in a romantic way. 

Nevertheless, seeing Hyunjin’s unsure face, the words just spill out of his mouth, “It’s not that I don’t like you. I do, I really do Hyunjin, it’s just—”

“Wait a minute. Hold up. You like me or you like _like_ me?” Hyunjin's eyes widened, he inches closer once again. Hyunjin’s fingers almost touching Seungmin’s hand, and for a fleeting moment, Seungmin freezes. 

He’s been caught in a leash. 

Did Hyunjin know all along? But in his stead, Jisung denied Seungmin’s feelings. However, these days Seungmin feels different he knows he likes Hyunjin and it’s the first time he’s felt this way. It’s terrifying.

“I—” Seungmin croaks. 

Then Hyunjin does the inevitable, he smiles. His eyes crinkled and his lips almost reached his ears. He’s adorable, despite the low light. And even though the evening is chilly, Seungmin is warm. 

“If it’s the last one then wow. I thought you were always irked by me bringing boys because you just start glaring and running away, you know that little cute pout you do with your mouth. But your friends told me you were fine, you know not homophobic but—”

“Excuse me?! I’m not disgusted! I just hated that they were there doing it with you!” 

Hyunjin stops mid-rant. His mouth, once again hanging agape. “What?”

 _Fuck,_ Seungmin curses inside his head. Goddamnit Hwang Hyunjin, all he had to do was pull out a few words and Seungmin’s brain just loses its basic function—thinking; and simply lets his mouth spout whatever comes first in his mind. This isn’t really how he imagined his first confession would go. He’d thought it’d be at least a little similar to those ridiculous romantic movies. 

And Hyunjin finally grabs Seungmin’s hand and there’s a sudden spike in him as if he was hit by the strongest adrenaline rush. His heart pounds and Seungmin stays still, his gaze slowly lands on Hyunjin lips— of course, there’s that stupid smirk on his pretty face.

“You like me?” Hyunjin asks. Seungmin doesn’t answer. Nevertheless, Hyunjin continues, “I thought you were straight?”

Seungmin gapes at him, “Me? Straight, yeah as if.” 

Hyunjin slides a thumb against the expanse of Seungmin’s hand, enough to send his skin into a fit of tingles. “Then are you, you know?”

This time, Seungmin heaves a sigh. He tries to calm the rattle in his heart, he tries to assure himself. He knows Hyunjin will never judge him. And Seungmin he tries to look straight into Hyunjin’s eyes and tries not to break in the inside because holy fuck he might actually have a chance with this beautiful boy in front of him and it’s ridiculous. 

“Does it even matter what I am?” Seungmin murmurs. “I’m not sure what I am Hyunjin, all I know is for some reason, I like _like_ you.”

Hyunjin bites the side of his cheeks fighting a full-blown smile. And for some reason, Seungmin couldn’t help but smile as well. But then there’s that lingering question inside his head— what now? 

He looks at Hyunjin and he’s so bright, his eyes sparkle and Seungmin swears that Hyunjin just sits there and Seungmin’s literally useless.

And then since he’s Hwang Hyunjin he laughs. It’s music to Seungmi’s ears, enough to cause another turbulence in his heart. 

But Hyunjin does not stop there.

He pulls Seungmin, and Seungmin, taken by surprise, lands on Hyunjin’s shoulder, his ass awkwardly hanging on his own seat. Hyunjin then caresses Seungmin’s face and does it. 

He kisses Seungmin. 

It’s stupid really, sloppy almost. Seungmin stays frozen, eyes shut so tight he thought that he would end up having a headache. 

But he slowly smells the alluring comfort of Hyunjin’s shampoo and aftershave and Seungmin just melts into his touch. Hyunjin’s hand finds the back of his head and plays with his hair. At first, Seungmin’s hand stayed on Hyunjin’s shoulders but later on, they found their way around Hyunjin’s neck. And just like that Seungmin finds himself complying with Hyunjin’s little nudges and flitting kisses. 

Hyunjin’s lips are soft, against Seungmin’s, and they feel ticklish sending a giddy zap down to his stomach and a sharp pierce in his heart. Hyunjin is warm too, every single touch leaves a lasting impression on Seungmin’s skin. 

For a first kiss, it isn’t bad. It’s not like how those pop music describe it, but it’s enough to make Seungmin want more. So, he pushes himself deeper into Hyunjin’s body, until he finds himself straddling Hyunjin, the stupid plastic chair creaking because of their weight. 

It’s ridiculous really. They’re in public, in the middle of the night, if it were a normal occasion, Seungmin would’ve pushed Hyunjin away, terrified of people seeing them together, this close. But now, as Hyujin bites onto his lips Seungmin simply lets himself get lost in the ecstasy of pure bliss. 

When they finally pull away from each other, Hyunjin bumps their forehead together and smiles. Seungmin tries to catch his breath— _Christ, is this how kissing works? It’s like he ran a whole mile._

But when Hyunjin pokes his nose playfully, Seungmin could not help but laugh and be simply happy. 

“I like you back,” Hyunjin replies, a few seconds later, with his arms around securely around Seungmin’s waist. 

And Seungmin, well, he breaks. 

“Ah— well, I—” his mouth hangs open, blinking. Hyunjin laughs and pinches Seungmin’s cheeks

“We’ve already kissed _darling_.”

“Oh…” Seungmin trails, touching his lips. _Right_ , he basically shared his spit with Hyunjin, through his lips and they kissed, _what the fuck?!_

A small chuckle once again emits out of Hyunjin and Seungmin just looks at him as if he’s just a figment of his imagination. “Man, this cannot be real.” 

“You’re sitting on my lap and can pretty much feel your nonexistent ass, so I think this is pretty real.”

“Not the ass slander. I swear to god, you and Jisung have been hanging out too much for my liking,” Seungmin buries his face in his hands but Hyunjin stops him by intertwining their fingers together. 

“Well, he did warn me you’d be awkward once I made my move on you,” Hyunjin shrugs and Seungmin is perplexed. 

“What did he say?”

“That I might be your first,” Hyunjin plays with their clasped hands. “Is it real?”

Seungmin takes a deep breath, here goes nothing. “Yeah, you’re first in basically everything. I never liked anyone in such a way, you know? I never wanted to kiss anyone, touch them, and since I wasn’t interested I didn’t really act on it. So, that was my first kiss.”

After hearing Seungmin’s last words, Hyunjin blushes. “I wasn’t bad right?”

“Hmm… Let me think about it. I should probably kiss someone else—”

“Come on babe,” Hyunjin whines, squishing Seungmin’s cheeks. 

“Babe? We’re not even dating yet,” Seungmin scoffs, and when Hyunjin finally lets it go. He wiggles out of Hyunjin’s lap and finally sits back on his previous chair. However, when Hyunjin’s hand grabbed Seungmin's, Seungmin lets him.

They sit in comfortable silence before Seungmin finally breaks the important question. 

“What now? Are we, you know?” 

“I— I guess we are,” Hyunjin smirks a little and once again, pulls Seungmin and he could only laugh. This time, when their lips touched, Seungmin kissed him eagerly and for once, Seungmin felt calm. 

* * *

**BONUS:**

“How the heck did Chan and Minho get in?” Seungmin asked while they walked slowly back to their apartment. The wind is still cold and biting. Hyunjin placed one of his hands inside Seungmin’s pocket, their fingers still intertwined.

Hyunjin heaves a sigh, a puff of smoke comes out of his mouth. “ I had to drag their drunk ass home and our apartment was the closest one.”

“You could’ve texted me we had company.”

Hyunjin chuckles, “It was late, plus I thought you would be asleep.”

“As if. Miss Suh from the upper floor probably heard them loud and clear. One of them was even moaning like—” Seungmin pauses. “Why are they even fucking in your room?”

“Are you sure they were doing it? Last time I checked they were dead asleep in my bedroom, literally five feet apart.”

“Oh, Hwang. I’ve heard enough of your shenanigans for months to know what a moan sounds like,” Seungmin retorts and Hyunjin simply raises an eyebrow. 

“Oh? So, you do listen. If you did, nothing happens more than kissing babe.” 

Seungmin pauses. “Wait all this time Jisung and I thought you were having the time of your life, yet, you were only kissing. Why?”

Hyunjin clicks his tongue and looks above, at the silent twinkling stars, “I liked you the moment we met. And I tried forgetting about you because I thought you were straight.”

“You’re kidding?” 

The small shake of Hyunjin’s head is enough confirmation for Seungmin to feel a shy smile form on his face. The warm feeling in his heart spreads across his body. Hyunjin’s action is enough to make him comfortable. Who knew, things would turn out for the best. 

He almost scoffs, who knew it was thanks to Chan and Minho. If it weren't for both of them, Seungmin would've lived a life of regret, missing this very moment. 

“Cool,” Seungmin says happily, squeezing Hyunjin’s hand tightly.

And Hyunjin replies back with the same sentiments, “Cool.”

* * *

“They locked the door,” Hyunjin says solemnly. Seungmin is sitting on the sofa, a warm cup of tea in his hand. He pats the free space beside him, and Hyunjin, still wearing the same clothes from earlier, plops himself. 

When Hyunjin looks at him, all soft eyes and a tiny pout; Seungmin catches the exhaustion under his eyes. Unconsciously, Seungmin lifts his fingers and trails across the expanse of Hyunjin’s cheeks. 

He already took a leap tonight, maybe another isn’t a bad idea. And he knows that Hyunjin would come along with him.

“I’m fine, you can go back to your room. I’ll stay here until those idiots leave,” Hyunjin says softly, trying to convince Seungmin.

“No. You can stay with me tonight,” Seungmin whispers and as a reply, Hyunjin’s smiles. Seungmin thinks that’s enough. 

“You sure?”

“A hundred percent. I’ve been taking risks all night long, might as well,” Seungmin shrugs.

Hyunjin’s eyes glints. “Oh, so I’m worth it?”

And for once, Seungmin is sure of something.

“Yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> — the seungmin in this au could be demisexual and demiromantic but he isn't quite sure either, all he knows he's seungmin lmao  
> — i promise to update my hp au seungjin soon! hahahaha :,D  
> —again, thanks for the kudos and comments! i love reading what you think of the story! :D  
> — we can talk on my [ twitter ](https://twitter.com/jenseungs)  
> too hehe  
> — for questions: [ cc ](https://curiouscat.me/jenofullsun)  
> 


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